'My boyfriend wants sex to last over an hour. It's just boring'

As do the opportunities to have sex – with some allowing for more time than others.

Why do we think of lengthy sex as great sex?

Have you asked him why he feels this is ‘normal’ and ‘good’ sex? It may be that he, like many of us, are used to aspirational messages in Western media, porn, self help books and magazine sex advice features all telling us that ‘great’ sex should be something we do as frequently as possible for as long as possible in as many different positions as possible.

Moreover media and medicalised discussions of women and sex present women’s sexuality as complicated, suggesting that women are difficult to excite and require lengthy stimulation to become aroused – let alone orgasm.

Might he be unaware of the many different ways to experience sex that aren’t dependent on a limited range of media-prescribed ideals?

Why else might this be taking a while?

Men who are struggling to get or keep an erection may need more time for sex in order to get or stay hard. Some men take a long time to come (known as delayed ejaculation). Medications for some physical or mental health conditions and certain recreational drugs can cause problems with ejaculation and erection.

Reviewing how you both see sex and removing his orgasm as the inevitable end goal might allow him to feel more relaxed and under less pressure to ‘perform’. It might be his keenness to enjoy lengthy sex is due to him hiding fear or embarrassment about deeper sexual problems. Particularly if he fears you will judge or leave him if he can’t last for as long as possible (or if you discover he can’t orgasm easily). His GP can assist if he is struggling with erections or he thinks existing medication is getting in the way of pleasure (including referring him to a psychosexual therapist on the NHS if appropriate).

Clear communication

He seemingly wants to please you but you’re putting to him that this isn’t pleasing you and he isn’t listening – why might that be? Could it be he feels this is the right way to have sex and so can’t change the way he behaves? Perhaps he’s unsure what else you might do instead? Maybe this is a big turn on for him and he’s anxious that he won’t enjoy other kinds of sex. Perhaps this is the only sexual script he knows. Finding out about what’s driving this behavior is important.

If you have not clearly told him this isn’t working for you and what you would prefer instead, now would be a good time to do so. Cory Silverberg’s guide on how to talk about sensitive issues can help.

If he continues to ignore you, it is OK to alert him the discrepancy between him telling you he wants you to experience pleasure but not paying attention when you say you don’t like something.

Continuing not to listen to you and telling you that your views about sex are unreasonable may indicate controlling behaviour. In such a situation you may seek support from friends, family or a therapist.It is OK to say no to sex if it is not enjoyable for you. It is also OK to end a relationship if your partner refuses to listen to your feelings and needs.

Recreating sex that works for you

While we usually take this to mean penis-in-vagina sex, it may equally apply to oral sex, masturbation, sharing fantasies, role-play, talking about what you might like to do together.

Rather than arguing over what’s ‘right’ or ‘normal’ during sex, it may help if separately you create lists of things you’d like to do together – which may be things you’ve done before or have yet to experience. You could use Paul Joannides Guide to Getting It On for ideas. Avoid focusing on or avoiding activities to take up time, but instead list things you’d enjoy with the options of some of these taking a while and others being quickies. You may prefer to write out how you feel or have a number of face-to-face conversations.

You can also agree together how sex doesn’t have to end in either of your orgasm, and that it may include physical pleasure such as massage, cuddles or giving/getting affection.

If lengthy sex is primarily about spending time together, focusing on other ways to connect may work for you – enjoying shared hobbies, cooking and eating together, watching films, listening to music, going out to clubs/theatre/cinema etc.

It may be lengthy sex is an important turn on for him he wants to consensually share and enjoy with you. If you both agree to explore lengthy pleasures on occasion Tantra, BDSM or sharing/enacting fantasies may appeal.

Stop feeling ungrateful

It is lovely when partners want us to enjoy ourselves. It is less of a compliment if they refuse to listen when we’re saying how we don’t enjoy something. You don’t have to feel ungrateful for expressing concern about something that is not working for you.

Hopefully the above options will give you both choices about how to enjoy a more varied and pleasurable relationship.